Penny Post #13: Boredom

Why am I still stuck?

SOME HOUSEKEEPING…

This post is delivered to you ahead of my normally-scheduled Sunday essay. When I first started this newsletter, I wanted to let the writing flow as it wished. This essay didn’t want to wait until Sunday. So you get it today.

I also have some other styles of content that I’m hoping to roll out soon, in addition to the already-updated layout of the newsletter. Here is the brand-new APFMT logo:

Back to (semi) regularly-scheduled programming…

---

While on my writing hiatus, I shared this little tidbit on Notes:

One month later, I still feel stuck.

Maybe other graduating students can resonate. There was so much for so long. The weeks leading up to graduation were filled with excitement, nostalgia, and celebration. After May 21st, it more or less stopped. Sure, there was still cake to cut and degrees to frame yet the excitement faded quickly. In its place, anxiety reigned.

My overstimulated mind was quick to find another target: job hunting. I’ve spent weeks on Indeed, LinkedIn, among others, with no avail. I’ve written and re-written my resume several times. I’ve searched for something to fill the void.

I graduated unluckily. As a creative writer, employment opportunities are at grave risk. The Writer’s Guild of America has been on strike since May 1st with no end in sight. Artificial intelligence may full well replace human writers entirely, in addition to the endangered salary and job security of screenwriters. I haven’t even started working and yet the space in which I hope to work is narrowing by the day.

I don’t think I’ve fully addressed my fear. This fear has been building since early Spring, when I first heard the rumblings of the strike in my media industries class. The experts predicted the strike to last no more than a couple of weeks. Almost two months later, and here we are. The fear is palpable now. As loud as the beating of my racing heart. The fear grows even more after a potential job in a writer’s room fell through when ABC network abandoned most scripted content for its Fall season. My plans to move to LA were delayed indefinitely. And I’ve since sought solace in my favorite place.

What else is there to do besides find comfort in the uncertainty?

I echo:

I feel stuck: what’s next? how do I fill the time - and my soul - in the interim?

Much of the interim has been boring. My stuckness has felt silent and lonely and frightening. Boredom has been gnawing at my mind, making me feel bad about myself today and worse about myself yesterday. I think boredom feels so distressing because of the shame I (and others) have attached to boredom.

It is no secret that as a culture, we have a fealty to productivity. We are nothing if unproductive. Boredom is a sin, laziness is a crime. My feeling “stuck” the last month is prescriptive of shame. Shame is baked into my experience of boredom, as if the yeast in a loaf of baking bread. Inseparable.

Shame encourages me to forget the things that I have done over the past few weeks.

• I celebrated & visited with family and friends while home.

• I created an Instagram where I get curious about what the west coast has to offer.

• I dug out my Canon again and reinvested in my photography.

• I wrote quite a bit in my journal (some of which will be published here soon).

• I moved across the country.

• I went to a Taylor Swift concert.

• I participated in a 48 hour film festival.

There is so much beauty in the things above. I’ve made some unforgettable memories, and yet all fade to black when shame sets in, reminding me of all the things I haven’t done.

I have a very complicated relationship with boredom. It is not something I embrace as an environment for brewing creativity. I would much rather be distracted, over-stimulated than feel the horrific shame-based boredom.

However,

Sometimes stuck is just still.

Reframing “stuck” to “still” is all about language. Stuck has negative salience. Still, for the most part, has positive salience. If we reframe something we culturally understand as negative to something we culturally understand as positive, maybe the shame fades to.

So maybe I’m not stuck. Maybe I’m instead still. The stillness is easier to accept, I almost want to cling to it. It is a life vest in the heavy waters of uncertainty.

Until next time,

Kiera

---

Questions I leave you with:

• When was the last time you were bored? What did you do (or not do!) in that time?

• Are you feeling stuck? How can you transform “stuck” to “still”?

• Where is your biggest shame-trigger?

---

P.S.

Lastly, I would like to share with you a new feature that Substack has implemented. The feature rewards you for referring this newsletter. As you know, this is a reader-supported publication. I write not because I want to nor because it is financially-lucrative (as you’ve read above); I write because I need to. And I’m so thankful that you’ve honored my need and taken the time to get to the bottom of this newsletter. If you believe my writing is worth sharing, I would more than welcome it. I only know so many lovely people who like to read, perhaps you know more.

With the new Substack feature, you receive a reward when you refer A Penny For My Thoughts.

• 3 referrals = 3 month comped subscription

• 5 referrals = 6 month comped subscription

• 10 referrals = 1 year comped subscription

Click the button below and you’ll get credit for any new subscribers. You can learn more here: Substack’s FAQ.

From a heart filled with gratitude,

Kiera