Penny Post #49: Finding My Way Back To Faith

On prayer and transition.

I used to pray every night before bed. I first learned how to pray while tucked into the sheets at my cousin’s house with my aunt perched on the edge of the bed. I memorized the words to Our Father and Hail Mary, chanting them in the dark as if a secret, testing how the words tasted on my tongue. 

Considering the frequency with which I slept over at my cousin’s as a kid, I memorized the prayers quickly. It was a weekly occurrence: sleepover at the Bittman’s, play make-believe cooking show, trade summer reading books, and pray before bed. What was a weekend ritual eventually melted into the weekdays when I was alone tucked under the sheets of my own bed. The practice became habitual; I convinced myself I couldn’t fall asleep before repeating both prayers. 

Many nights, I would forget. I would drift into the thin edges of sleep before being jolted awake by some errant thought or memory that forced me to wake up, make the sign of the cross, press my palms together, point my fingers toward Heaven, and repeat Our Father or Hail Mary out loud. If my brain fog caused me to lose track mid-prayer, I would force myself to begin again. 

As the years waxed and my commitment to a nightly prayer waned, my tired mind would negotiate little shortcuts. I didn’t make the sign of the cross; I would interlace my fingers instead of pressing them against one another; I would silently say the prayers as fast as I could inside my head until one day I fell asleep without praying at all. One night without praying became two, became three, became four, and suddenly years had passed without the nightly prayer that had colored my childhood. 

Last night, for the first time in countless years, I prayed. I didn’t make the sign of the cross nor place my palms together nor say the prayer out loud, so who knows if it actually counted, but I prayed. And I hope God heard me. 

I’m at a nexus of discernment within my faith journey, having shifted away from the Catholic church in the last few years while also desperate for a higher power to fuel my creativity and add meaning to my life. 

My discernment will likely last a lifetime, though I’ve begun collecting wisdom from people who haven’t given up their nightly prayer and likely pray both in-and-out-side their heads. Over the next few weeks and months, I will be interviewing several prominent religious leaders in town to aid my discernment as well as provide fodder for what will eventually become a larger project. 

This is one piece of the exciting puzzle that will find me in Saratoga Springs this summer for the New York State Summer Writer’s Institute. Trust that I will keep answering those creative calls, even if it doesn’t look like the weekly Penny Post/biweekly Gratitude Journal/biweekly short story or poem. My creative projects are becoming more and more involved, so I likely will not be posting as frequently on APFMT. Next week will be Penny Post #50, a rewind of the last twenty-five essays. I love you all; thank you for your support and encouragement during this exciting transition!

Until then, 

Kiera