Penny Post #29: Smooth Move

Probably not the "smooth move" you're imagining...

A cautionary tale about mixing this lovely elixir with a dash of honey and fear.

It was October 1st. The beginning of the month. I marked it as “a breath of fresh air” in my Gratitude Journals. I was preparing to board a Carnival Cruise in just 20 days. My second cruise ever, both generously gifted by Cameron.

My first cruise had taught me a lot about the ins and outs of a boat that size - as well as how to prepare for a voyage out to sea. First tip: do not watch The Titanic within 3 months of sailing. Second tip: bring a bucket.

After enjoying three nights of sushi, steak, and two hundred and fifty dollars worth of an unlimited drinks program, I was thoroughly stuffed. We tried it all. To my stomach’s intense chagrin.

I woke up on the morning we were scheduled to de-board knowing something was wrong. After three days and nights of not going to the bathroom, I spent the following day puking up every single thing I ate or drank while aboard. I puked in the garbage can in the cruise terminal’s parking lot. Onlookers both confused and amused. I kneeled on the cement ground of a busy gas station bathroom and puked. The gas station attendant thoroughly irritated. I even puked into a bucket fished from the back of Cameron’s car while he was driving.

Not pretty, I know. But the truth of my experience that you have elected to read.

Then comes October 1st. Six months after the initial cruise, preparing to board a bigger ship that would take us even farther away. I decided I wasn’t going to risk relying on my body to healthily digest all that I planned to indulge in. Instead I was to rely on a powerful elixir with a dash of honey and fear.

Smooth Move tea. Powered by Senna, Licorice Root, and Cinnamon Bark. My false gods.

I began to take Smooth Move tea every other day. I sat in bed at night with a warm mug in my hand as I guzzled down the supplement and prayed it would last me when the Venezia came to collect me.

My prayers were lost in a cloud of fog when I found myself stuck in bed battling simultaneous night sweats and chills. Trying to get warm and yet trying to cool off. Battling a fever & intrusive bouts of diarrhea. I consulted no doctors except for my unlicensed yet incredibly confident mother who encouraged rest and hydration as well as my unlicensed yet incredibly ambitious boyfriend who thought a meat thermometer (that punctures chicken flesh and cow skin) would be able to accurately predict my condition if stuck under my tongue.

After several days and nights in bed, I hauled myself to an urgent care where they illuminated the truth: a bacterial infection in my abdomen. With some antibiotics and a potassium supplement, I was better in 48 hours. The dehydration I faced after severe diarrhea required at-home treatment of liquid IV and more rest.

News to no one but me: Smooth Move tea does no one any favors. Smooth Move tea over the course of two weeks with the addition of a dehydrating monster virus does no one any favors.

Perhaps the lesson of this story is abundantly clear for you all normally-digestive folks. For us IBS soldiers, the lesson might be murkier:

Smooth Move is the answer to all of your problems.

Waving goodbye as I sail away on the Venezia,

Kiera