Penny Post #12: Disappointment

Disappoint others before you disappoint yourself.

Disappointment is a matter of managed or unmanaged expectations.

We all have expectations - for how a day will go, in our relationships, and most of all, of ourselves. When our expectations are unmet and we fall short, disappointment sets in.

Disappointment is an understandably uncomfortable emotion. Many of us are discomfort-averse and comfort-prone. So we shade ourselves from disappointment because of the inevitable discomfort to follow.

I know I have. Disappointment is surely an uncomfortable thing to feel of ourselves, but somehow that discomfort grows when we disappoint others. Perhaps we’ve set expectations of ourselves in the past that we no longer can uphold or others’ expectations of us are misplaced. I would much rather succumb to a disappointment only I hold, then face the shame of being a disappointment to others.

Shame is a scary thing. Public shaming is an even scarier thing. And sometimes disappointment feels as if this low ebb of public shame. Feeling like you’ve disappointed others and having that disappointment sit where it can be seen and scrutinized is painful.

As a recovering people-pleaser, the pain is unfamiliar and thus the pain is alarming. I’ve had to learn how to say no. I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to disappoint others. I’ve had to learn to erect boundaries that may disappoint.

Glennon Doyle, in her groundbreaking Untamed, says:

Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.

Doyle is not encouraging us to make disappointing others a goal; Doyle is instead saying that we must disappoint others if the alternative is disappointing ourselves. Perhaps this is a radical thought, especially when we consider how our culture values selflessness. Pleasing others may be costly.

We risk fracturing our self-trust. We risk prioritizing someone else’s needs when responsible for our own. We risk setting unfair expectations of self-sacrifice. We risk losing ourselves.

Disappointment is uncomfortable, but when measured against the risks above, is necessary.

I’m curious: how do you sit in discomfort? How do you manage expectations? When was the last time you disappointed others to avoid disappointing yourself?

Until next time,

Kiera